From now on, when you feel yourself getting triggered by your spouse or child, pause, breathe, and have a non-violent conversation with them according to these guidelines. They may not respond in the way you desire at first. Walk away. Wait. Continue having these kinds of conversations. Offer them empathy, with plenty of time to vent. Don't judge what they are saying, just hold space for them to speak.
First, you need to enter their reality from their perception:
- What was this person's perception of what happened?
- What was troubling to them about what happened?
- What were the emotions that they felt at the time it happened?
- What emotions are they feeling in this exact moment?
- And what do I really now know that they need from me?
"I see you are feeling _____ and you may be needing _________. I'm feeling ________ and need __________. Would you be willing to ___________?"
"I see you are feeling _____ and you may be needing _________. The problem is __________. Do you have any ideas about how we could solve this?"
Use MAGIC with your kids at least once this week. Print it out and put it on your fridge or somewhere you'll see it every day. Every time you are in conflict, use this process.